Chucking Oprah

Oprah flashes the Secret Sign of the Vulva to her fanatical cult followers, probably a signal to go see the new Tom Cruise movie (photo O Magazine, June 2005)

Despite the world’s vast reserves of sublimely crappy literature that remain largely unmocked by my giant brain, over there on the floor of the Twisty laboratory lie the remains of the June 2005 issue of O, the magazine of condescending consumerist heterosexual domesticity as prescribed by Oprah Winfrey.

Holy moly! I hate to admit it, but this magazine may be too big for one lone patriarchy-blaming blog. If, in handling the object, I had not sensed the toxins of white male supremacy leaching into my system through its poisoned ink, I believe I might have been able to spew out an impressive body of work on the thousand-and-one ways in which this single issue, with its sadistic leitmotifs and opprobrious subtexts, functions as a de facto instruction manual for the straight woman who pursues total assimilation by the patriarchal mothership. As it is, I only ingested only a few articles before I involuntarily emitted an unusual noise and chucked the thing against the wall. I’d osmosed enough patriarchy to compel me to check out my butt in the bathroom mirror, but not so much that I hated myself for discovering that I’d had my sweatpants on backwards all day. It was a close call.

The June issue contains a “special report” on, what else, men. But this is Oprah’s magazine; no mere reportage here. No. In fact, Oprah’s vital and clairvoyant information will “change forever the way you think about men” (emphasis mine). That is, if you had previously thought of men as sentient beings, you no longer will. It turns out that men are “Neanderthals,” and if your life’s dream is to amass a repertoire of bogus tips and tricks that promise to make life with the “monosyllabic male of your choice” bearable, you’ve come to the right place.

Having studied in my lab the magazine’s advertising, content, and tone (in searching the rich canon of women’s magazines, the aficionado of patriarchal propaganda will be hard-pressed to find a match for O’s tone: a bizarre coalescence of the authoritative, the slumber-partyal, the glib, and the insipid), I have determined that the magical world of Oprah is populated by just such a species of tip-and-trick-seeking woman. She is in her 30s, white, middle class, desperately miserable, with a deep sense of isolation from her distant, inscrutable man, and a pathological compulsion to shop. Judging by Oprah’s near-universal appeal, such women must exist in droves, the inevitable product of the dominant culture’s disdain for them as receptacles, as well as its enthusiasm for producing both distant, inscrutable men and shopping malls. But Oprah can save them! Every page is like a bright yellow box of Empowerment Bonbons (You’re Special! You’re Strong!), but with Crispy Cockroach Centers (Now change your impossibly inadequate self into a sleek, professional man’s woman! Here’s how!).

According to Oprah--well, not the celestial Oprah Herself, but the more earthly harem of avuncular shrinks and sassy sexperts and shopping editors through whom Oprah speaks--the white heterosexual woman must study, and study hard, to become a tool of the patriarchy. She must manipulate. She must buy the right bathing suit. She must say the right things at the right times. She must flush her non-relationship interests down the crapper and express a fascination for his non-relationship interests. Like the 4th Earl of Chesterfield once said, no doubt addressing his irate Pops after getting sent down from Cambridge, “the knowledge of the world is only to be acquired by reading men, and studying all the various editions of them.”

So too must the Oprah Woman employ a repertoire of cunning techniques to bring about the desired result (which result appears to the ability to tolerate her miserable oppression). Here are a few samples of the cunning techniques. I swear I didn’t make any of’em up. How do these people write this crap with a straight face? It’s 2005!

• Don’t try to talk to him during football season.
• If he tries to cook, get out of the kitchen until it’s time to clean up.
• Don’t be argumentative.
• Admire him for being tough.
• Shut up.
• Acquaint yourself with the career of Peyton Manning.
• “Meet every protest and argument he makes, no matter how ridiculously false, with the observation that he is absolutely correct...in boxing this is called rope-a-dope.”
• Rent a Steven Seagal movie.
• Accept that the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is one of his favorite things.
• If you want him to fix the shower drip, whatever you do don’t nag; instead, remove the shower head, bring it to him and say “uh-oh, stupid me, I tried to fix it myself but now the drip is worse!” Then offer to bring him his power drill.
• If you want to comfort your man, don’t try to soothe him with a home-baked pie; for the lovagod, tell him how powerful he is.

The centerfold of O The Oprah Magazine is a calendar for the month of June. On it is a picture of Young Elvis posing on a surfboard. Printed in each square, so you’ll have an extra little slice of patriarchy every day, is either a professionally-crafted, patriarchy-affirming inspirational quotation (“He looked at me, bestowing beauty, and I took it for my own”) or patronizing words of advice (“Men often feel compelled to help fix whatever is bothering you. So unless you’re ready to hear solutions regarding your annoying coworker, save the moans for your female friends.”).

Here’s a good one: “Whatever you need to say to the man in your life, don’t hem and haw. Just say it before he’s tempted to tune out--men appreciate brevity.”

How is it possible to read a thing like that and not be an idiot? I mean, the act of reading it literally confers upon the reader actual idiocy. Either you believe that by moulding your behavior to encompass this odious Dr Phillian worldview your life will improve, which makes you an idiot, or you are reading it in spite of knowing that it’s horseshit, which makes you an even bigger idiot. Idiot, I tell you, either way.

And by “you” I of course mean “me.”

Addendum: naturally, because I am an idiot, I forgot to address the one issue I set out to address, namely, why do women who like syllables hook up with men who don't like syllables? Or if, after discovering that the dearth of syllables in their lives is killing them quietly, why don't they just leave the anti-syllabite motherfuckers? It's because of Oprah-fucking-Winfrey, that's why, and all the rest of patriarchy's brown-nosing buttmunches. Yaaah!

Addendum II: Thanks to Deana Jo for this link to Flea's take on this very same issue of O. She undertakes to apply the advice contained in an article entitled "How To Get Through To A Man," with hilarious results!

Comments

[magikmama]

Thank god! I thought I was the only person to suddenly discover that I had lost a good ounce of grey-matter after reading that trash!

Now can you please disect my new personal hatred, the left behind series (books so bad they don't deserve capitalization tm.)???

[Mandos]

That dissection was done by Slacktivist, I believe. Still in progress.

[CafeSiren]

Oh, Oprah... the most powerful woman in the entertainment industry, and yet you use your power this way. What a waste.

I leafed through this very issue in my chiropractor's office (next time, I'm going with the copy of "Pat the Bunny" lying next to it), and I saw the article with tips for talking to your man. After reading it, I was depressed, because I knew that all this stuff will probably *work* on most men.

My next thought: women (mostly hetrosexual women) infantalize men by taking such "tips." If we have to deal with men who can't live without this shit, it's because we never demand more of them. And if we do, they will find someone who won't. What keeps most het women locked into this self-destructive mug's game? The fear of (get ready) ending up a spinster aunt.

The best two options for the patriarchy-opposing het female? IMO:

1. Hold out for the exceptional patriarchy-opposing het male who respects a woman with a backbone.

or

2. Embrace the joys (and there are many) of spinster aunthood; refuse to buy into the cultural expectation that your life is a failure unless you are paired off.

One and two may be productively combined, if you wish.

[Sydney]

I have a tip to add to the list: don’t exist except when a man needs you to cook, clean, or fuck.

Because that is pretty much the tips are saying. Men don’t want a women who thinks- they want a women who acts as a robot!

Twisty, once again you have brilliantly identified and analyzed a disturbing aspect of the patriarchy. And made me come that much closer to saying to hell with men completely…oh wait, I can’t say that can I? I exist only to cook, clean, and fuck…..

[Modern Major-General]

These tips seem pretty helpful to me. Let's see...

1. Don’t try to talk to him during football season.

She's not supposed to talk in the entire duration of football season? Even when there's no game on at the time? What about men, such as myself, who despise football? What are they going to do during football season when their significant other refuses to speak to them? It's bad enough that there's nothing on TV.

2. If he tries to cook, get out of the kitchen until it’s time to clean up.

Yes, because no men know how to cook. There are no male cooks at any restaurants. Men don't even know what the kitchen is, other than "the place that the wife spends all her day in".

3. Don’t be argumentative.

Even when he's demonstrably false, you should just accept it. He's The Man, after all. "I know that he is a truly great and good man, for he told me so himself..." (Random, mostly irrelevant Gilbert and Sullivan reference)

4. Admire him for being tough.

And if he's not, pretend he is. He's The Man, after all.

5. Shut up.

Yeah, know your place, woman!

6. Acquaint yourself with the career of Peyton Manning.

Who?

7. “Meet every protest and argument he makes, no matter how ridiculously false, with the observation that he is absolutely correct...in boxing this is called rope-a-dope.”

See #3.

8. Rent a Steven Seagal movie.

Ew. They really don't think much of my gender, do they?

9. Accept that the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is one of his favorite things.

And that he's spent more time in the last month masturbating to it than he's spent actually talking to you.

10. If you want him to fix the shower drip, whatever you do don’t nag; instead, remove the shower head, bring it to him and say “uh-oh, stupid me, I tried to fix it myself but now the drip is worse!” Then offer to bring him his power drill.

Yes, heaven-forfend you should actually ask him, straight-up, to do something. No, you have to manipulate him like the scheming little wench you are.

11. If you want to comfort your man, don’t try to soothe him with a home-baked pie; for the lovagod, tell him how powerful he is.

"Oooo, you're my big stwong teddy-bear." Excuse me, I think I just contracted diabetes from writing that.

The common theme in these tips is that all men are slime and women should just learn to accept it instead of attempting to find a more fulfilling relationship. It's disgusting.

[curiousgirl]

Is it just me or is that picture of Oprah a vision of a scary souless freak? She looks weird.

And I have a soft spot for her, patriarchy-enabling aside.

[JRoth]

Holy crap! I expected such ... OK, the word escapes me ... from Cosmo and its ilk, but how could Oprah suck so much? I mean, I didn't exactly peg her as a patriarchy-subverter, but I would have at least guessed her to be semi-neutral, rather than a force for the other side.

You know what's most hellacious about this? Many of her fans probably think she does subvert the patriarchy. OK< they wouldn't put it that way, but I bet they think she's a "strong woman," and presume that her magazine will help them to be one, too. And they couldn't be more wrong!

Is that a patriarchal thing for a guy to say?

No. Anyone who hates the patriarchy (and I do) would instantly recognize O for the vile, Man-serving dreck it is, and anyone who doesn't needs a serious infusion of matriarchy.

Hey, Twisty, maybe you need to advertise in O! Lure in the unsuspecting herd, and show them the light! At least warn them of the dangers of grocery store takeout!

[Kyria]

Ewww! No! Could we please have some more cute puppy pictures? Please?

[deja pseu]

Oprah seems to be doing her utmost these days to uphold and work for the Greater Glory of the patriarchy. If she's not waxing self-righteous about weight issues, she's busy showing women how old and frumpy they look and giving them makeovers with hairstyles and outfits that few women in real life could maintain, or she's shilling for rampant and ostentatious consumerism (Thomas Pink $150 blouses...puh-leez!) with her "Favorite Things" (TM) most of which only the very wealthiest of us could afford. And now with her Cosmo-esque advice about men (which thankfully I spared myself from reading, after it was so artfully fisked by many feminists in Blogistan), I fear she's totally crossed over to the dark side, and there's no hope of return. It's too bad; she has a platform and the power to raise public awareness and do a lot of good in the world, and has in the past by taking on issues like fistula, FGM, honor killings, women in prison, etc.

[norbizness]

I'll never forget the time she compared the loss of a couple's child to "Beloved" getting the bozack at the box-office. In a perfect world, she would be Tom Cruise' beard, rotating about each other like delusionally self-important binary stars.

[Steph]

Twisty where were you when I was writing my thesis on women's magazines? You said here what a bunch of academics took far too many pages to say. And you said it better.

I'm saving this post if that's okay.

[nina]

Once again Twisty proves why she is my hero, the wind beneath my wings, and the only person I know who can make me laugh so hard I fall out of my chair while simultaneously depressing the ever living crap out of me. And I second the motion for more pictures of puppies, or even better, tacos! That just might restore my mental health.

[bitchphd]

Well, thankfully I've never read O magazine, but like a couple of other commenters, I do have a soft spot for Oprah herself. I'd like to think that she's playing the game of playing-along-in-order-to-further-her-more-subversive-ideas (like talking about women in prison and so forth).... but really she (or rather, Oprah Inc.) is probably playing the game of get-rich-then-richer. Sigh.

[nolo]

Uffdah. Shades of Marabel Morgan.

[alphabtich]

yes please more puppy pictures.

[res publica]

My mom had that issue of "O" at her house (yes, in the bathroom - I'm not ashamed to admit that I do most of my textual deconstruction in the crapper), and it made me projectile-vomit until I was coughing up blood. I remember back when Oprah had, like, a TALK show. Where she talked with people, about a topic. When did The Man replace her with a Stepford TV Personality? "Today on Oprah: I'll chat with some of my really rich gal-pals about buying stuff!" But anyway, let me take a quick break from patriarchy-blaming to be a totally hateful queen and ask: when did Oprah discover the secret of time travel and go back to the 70s? Because that getup she's sportin' is THROWED OFF. Like THRIZZOWED.

[res publica]

Also, if hetero relationships are really as twisted and manipulative as women's magazines portray them, I feel really sorry for straight couples. And I mean both partners, because while I give no quarter to the agents of patriarchy, it's just sad that so many people - men and women - have resigned themselves to relationships where clever schemes replace really knowing each other and being friends.

[Dan]

According to Oprah--well, not the celestial Oprah Herself, but the more earthly harem of avuncular shrinks and sassy sexperts and shopping editors through whom Oprah speaks--the white heterosexual woman must study, and study hard, to become a tool of the patriarchy. She must manipulate. She must buy the right bathing suit. She must say the right things at the right times. She must flush her non-relationship interests down the crapper and express a fascination for his non-relationship interests.

So when Maxim gives the same stupid advice, are they trying to turn men into pawns of the Matriarchy? Or what?

[res publica]

Yeah, Twisty! OR WHAT???

Can you hear how hard I'm rolling my eyes?

[manxome]

sigh... You had me at "condescending."

[Dan]

Yeah, Twisty! OR WHAT???

... seriously, what was that about? I mean, is it just a ridiculous misinterpretation of my intended tone due to an overestimation of your capacity for interpreting tone through text, or just an attitude that all less-than-thoroughly-deferential inquiry must for whatever reason be reinterpreted as agression, or wh- oh my mistake, almost did it again - or is there some other explanation which I have overlooked?

[Kate]

It consistently amazes me how many straight men fail to miss that this shit is bad for them too: yes, you can watch your bloody sport in peace, but you have to put up with a manipulative, two-faced partner who deliberately breaks things and lies to you instead of conducting an adult relationship.
Ditto with Maxim (men's magazine, yes?) telling men how to be manipulative to win over women.
What about, ya know, as I said already, being an adult?

[LeisureGuy]

It occurred to me that the sort of relationship advice quoted can lead to a vicious circle: people who follow the advice begin to find the relationship unsatisfactory and unfulfilling (natch), so they look to more magazines (of this type) for more advice (of this general type), follow that, and so on, becoming increasingly desperate and depressed. The same sort of cycle can be seen in consumerism: buying stuff in order to feel happy and fulfilled, but finding that the satisfactions are brief, so buying more stuff, again for a short high followed by a worse down (often exacerbated by debt and need for more money, etc.), and so on.

[aldahlia]

What the hell is a Peyton Manning?

[TimT]

I don't watch sport, and I have used polysyllabic grunts on many occasions. And I totally get how being characterised as a neanderthal is bad for me. Funny, huh?