PMA

I had suspected that my cancer-related patriarchy-blaming opportunities would be legion, and so far I have not been disappointed. For last Friday, in wild anticipation of tomorrow's boob-loogey excision, the hospital invited me over for some pre-operative phun and phlebotomy.

The nurse who took charge of me had chosen Down-home Folksy Camp Counselor as her professional persona. "I'm Darla, it's easy to spell if you spell it with a D, last name Ree-shard, but this is Texas so you'll say 'Richard'."

I deduced that, like Hyacinth Bucket, exoticism was important to Darla Ree-shard, so I thought I'd give her a gift. I said, "If this were France, I'd say Ri-shargh."

"What?"

"Ri-shargh."

My frenchy gargling of her last name failed to delight. I was there to absorb what Darla Ree-shard called "the tricks of the trade," not to make impertinent allusions to France, the enemy of Texas.

"Why," she asked, tapping with her Bic pen one of the 753 forms I had filled out, "are you taking the Xanax?"

I revealed that after my doctor had called to tell me I had fucking CANCER, I'd experienced, for some reason, a wee anxiety attack. Darla Ree-shard, marshaling her considerable powers of nursely observation, scrutinized me closely. A true professional, she had me sized up in about two-and-a-half seconds:

I was deficient in the cancer-enthusiasm department.

"You know," said Darla Ree-shard, "one of our best doctors, Dr. Butt, he always says the patients with the best PMA live the longest!"

As I silently resolved to avoid this Butt character at all costs, my blank visage conveyed to Darla Ree-shard the sad but inexorable truth that I did not know what a PMA was.

"Positive Mental Attitude!" she announced, bestowing upon me one of the Secrets of the Ages. "Dr. Butt always says ya gotta wanna live to be 100. Ya gotta have that PMA!"

She leaned toward me. "So," she inveighed with considerable pep, teaching the PMA by example, "Do you wanna live to be 100!!"

"Well," I said, "I'd been shooting for 75 or 80, but now that I've got fucking cancer, I realize that the more realistic goal is clearly 100. Thanks a bundle, Darla Ree-shard!"

Comments

[gigi]

Hmmm. Where does one begin? Dr. Butt, Ms. Richard and PMA aside, HUMOR, which you so beautifully employ, goes a long way towards healing...Am sending good thoughts to you.

[d.e.i.x.i.s.]

Oh Jeezus-- that sounds exactly like junior high. I was always the depressed kid & every one of my teachers at some point was like, 'Adrienne, you should really smile more! You look so pretty when you smile!' Hell-- I got that shit well into high school.

I'll bet they don't tell the depressed boys that shit.

Dr. Butt, eh? I once went to a Dr. Dray. And a Dr. Pepper. There's a professor at my school, Dr. Jekell.

[Sour Duck]

I was sorry to read about your diagnosis.

That whole "PMA" thing is a huge turnoff to positivity. But I hope you'll give it a go, at any rate.

[crankle]

How on EARTH did you muster the self-restraint needed to not adopt the creepy tone of her potential murderer and ask "Do YOU wanna live to be 100, Karla Richard?"

Bullshit, Karla Richard. Tell her to visit this link:

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=5780

Be as crabby as you want.

[kcb]

Wouldn't any worthwhile medical professional promoting a PMA heartily endorse the use of antianxiety drugs?

FWIW, when my bro was 13 and recovering from brain-cancer surgery, the Make-a-Wish lady stopped by his room to ask him what his wish was. He said, "I wish you'd get the hell out here." And while he may not live to be 100, he's still chugging along at nearly 30. So maybe the A is the key factor, rather than the PM.

Keeping my claws crossed for you.

[jo(e)]

Clearly, you do have a positive mental attitude. It's just that some people don't recognize it.

[delphyne]

Oh God, not just talking about a positive mental attitude but giving it an acronym for crying out loud. Why do people like that so often seem to end up in medicine?

[D Bunny]

Jesus fucking christ I hate nurses like that. They give the rest of us a bad name.

First of all, why would you ask ANYONE why they take Xanax? Some meds have different uses, but Xanax is pretty straight-forward. The correct question to a patient who is on Xanax is not "why do you take it?" but "do you have any extra you can spare?" ;)

Second, it is true that some research studies have proven a better survival rate for those cancer patients who did positive mental imagery and all that new-age stuff, but to say what she said is bordering on "blame the victim" undertones. I mean, would you go up to a rape victim and say, "You'd heal from the rape faster if you had a better attitude about it!" Absolutely ridiculous.

Not every nurses' personality matches with every patient they treat, and I'm sure I've put my foot in my mouth and came across all wrong to many patients in my career. That being said, I've always said that you can always tell if your nurse or doctor has ever been a patient themselves or not. You can spot the cluelessness a mile away if they've never been a patient themselves.

[nicky]

Well, at least that's better than the Bible verses the admitting nurse had plastered to her sliding-glass window when I checked in for my mastectomy. One read: "The wages of sin is death." Mr. N. tore the hospital administrator a new one over that. Next time I checked in it was gone.

For additional fun during chemo treatments, there was one of those volunteer pink ladies who always came by for prayer sessions. She tried this once with me and thereafter made a wide loop around the room to stay away.

Yes, a positive attitude is everything. Meaning, keep being positive about all the shit up with which you will not put.

[Jodie]

Hey, good nurses respond to PATIENT cues...she wanted you to respond to HERS. It's not rocket science, and it's not that hard.

Plus, you know, women victims must be perky at all times so no one has to deal with any pesky attitude, for example anger at getting cancer, because women aren't supposed to ever be angry.

Yep, go right ahead and blame the patriarchy for this one. And keep your attitude. (and Crankle, I laughed really HARD at the thought of asking Karla if SHE wanted to live to be 100)

[robin]

Darla Richarrrr does not amuse me. Her perkiness and her acryonym-spouting ways annoy me, even from these 2 degrees of separation.
I myself prescribe black humor with anti-anxiety meds as needed (BHWAAMAN)..
We're thinking of you with all best and warmest wishes.

[Julia]

I don't know if a positive attitude helped my husband live longer with his cancer. But it did allow him to live better.

Sometimes I thought the whole positive attitude thing was just that the medical staff didn't want to hear you bitching. But then I didn't have cancer, so I kept my bad attitude.

I think humor works. Some nurse once asked my husband, "How is the tumor?" He replied, "I didn't like it at first, but now it's growing on me." You should have seen the look on her face!

[res publica]

I know "positive attitude" is better for you, etc., but I still would have puked all over her. Maybe just for being named Darla-With-A-D.

[kathy a]

i'm sure it's easier for the medical people to deal with patients who seem perky and upbeat. but how realistic is that? it's hard to work up a lot of enthusiasm for cancer, surgery, and whatever other goodies are in store.

you'd think the dr. butts of the world would realize that the damned CANCER is, ya know, eating up your personal body, to which most patients are sentimentally attached, for some reason. aren't anxiety, fear, and anger as naturally a part of the picture as a lump in the boob?

[liz]

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough for sarcasm.

I agree with whomever said that this is ripe for the patriarchy-blaming because, indeed, women are not supposed to get angry. It upsets the menfolk, you know.

[joolya]

oy. sistah, take your xanax proudly. if you weren't having an anxiety attack you'd be insane. i come from a family of b.c. "survivors" (bleagh, it sounds so pink and frilly), one of whom is 91 years old and one of whom lived with it for 5+ years with a shitty attitude, and i am sending good vibes your way. prognosis is really good for early-detected breast tumors. keep blaming the patriarchy - it is good for your health.

[Pinko Punko]

God Damn, only a total pro would throw the big C a curve and instead harvest patriarchy blaming material. Touche, Twisty, touche.

[Nora]

What a bitch. In addition to insulting you, she also managed to make your cancer all about her -- her name, its (annoying) spelling and pronunciation, her questions, her expectations for your behavior & outlook. Eff that. And her.

I do like what you've done with the name of your disease -- I shall henceforth refer to it in all contexts and conversations as "fucking cancer," because that's what it is.

[kathy a]

p.s. -- thinking of you, and hoping the patriarchy-blaming medical corps is there for you tomorrow. declare a no-pink zone, promise excellent tacos to non-perky staff, take patriarchy-blaming backup.

[TeenageCatgirl]

Gotta love the medical profession, my sister, a type 1 diabetic (child onset, insulin dependent) went to see some quack a while ago, and the first words out of his mouth were 'Are your parents related?'.

Where do they find these people?!

[Josef K]

Suddenly I'm reminded of the joke:

"Doctor, when my arm heals, will I be able to play the violin?"
"Of course you will."
"Fantastic, I couldn't before."

We all want to live to 100, but give me an early death over decades of incontinence and doolallyness. Mind you, you could always go for the ancient patriarchy-blaming Southern belle look.

[Reecie]

I'll trade you a couple of your Xanax for a Valiam and two Ambien.

And please do go right ahead and snatch a couple handfulls off Ms. Ree-shard's empty effing head.

[radmila]

I remember a few years ago, when I was pre op for the 4th surgery, I was paired with a nurse who was "counselling" me before my biopsy.
I was sick to death of all the poking and probing over 8 years of illness...

Me: "What would happen if I refused treatment?"
Her: "You would be dead by the time you reached 35"

How's that for counselling?

[jenofiniquity]

Hey, Twisty, I'm sorry about all of this. I'm thinking about you . And fuck the PMA. Jaysus.